A longhorn is walking along one day,  when he sees three aggies.  Two of them are holding a pole straight up, and the third is climbing up it with a measuring tape.  "What are you doing?" asks the longhorn.  "We're trying to measure how long this pole is." says one of the aggies.  "Why don't you just lay the pole down on the ground and measure it?" asks the longhorn.  "Because we want to see how long it is, not how wide it is!"

An aggie walks into a barber shop one day wearing headphones.  When he asked for a haircut, the barber said "You gotta take off the headphones."  The aggie says "Just cut around them."  The aggie leaves that day and comes back again the next week with the headphones still on.  The barber says "You need to take off the headphones."  But again, the aggie just says "Cut around them."  The aggie leaves after he gets a haircut.  The next week the aggie comes in with the headphones still on.  Infuriated, the barber yanks off the headphones and throws them in the corner.  In a couple minutes the aggie falls down and dies.  Curious, the barber went over to the headphones and put them on.  What he heard was "Breath in....Breath out. Breath in....Breath out..."

AGGIE NEWS FLASH:  A small two person jet crashed into a cemetery near College Station today.  Rescue crews rushed to the scene and so far there have been over 150 recovered dead bodies.  The pilot was recovered alive and is helping with the rescue efforts, which are lasting all night...

Two aggies and their horses are on a desert island.  After finding fruits and berries to eat, they make their way toward the shore when it starts to rain.  The horses cant make it through the wet foliage without slipping, so the aggies get off their horses and start making their way alone.  They had gone two steps when suddenly aggie number one says, "Wait!  How will we be able to tell our horses apart when we return?"  Aggie two thinks and says "I know!" So he gets a rock and chips off part of his horses hoof.  Then they start toward shore.  They went 10 steps before they heard "NEEIIGH!" The aggies return and find that the other horse had chipped its hoof.  "Now what?" says aggie one. Aggie two thinks again and says "I know!" So he clips off part of his horses mane.  They went ten steps again and heard a "NEEIIGH!" They returned to find the other horse had torn its mane.  By this time its really pouring and aggie one says "NOW WHAT???"  So aggie two measures the shoulder height of each horse and sure enough, the black horse one is taller than the white one.

Two aggies just graduated from College Station.  Aggie 1 says to the other,  "So, how do you want to make some money?" "I know!" says Aggie 2.  "Lets go into the hay business! We'll buy hay in east Texas, and sell it in west Texas where the grass barely grows!" So the two aggies buy a big, flatbed pickup truck.  Then they go and buy hay in Nacadoches for $1 a bale, and drive it to El Paso where they sell it for $.50 a bale.  After a month or so, Aggie 1 says to aggie 2 "Hey... were not making any money!  In fact, we're losing it!" "You're right..." says aggie 2.  "Lets go and call our old professor to see what's going on here!"  So the two aggies call up their old professor, and tell him what was happening.  "So why are we losing money, professor?" ask the aggies. "Let me think about that..." says the prof. "Ill call you back in an hour with an answer."  An hour later, the prof calls back.  "So what are we doing wrong, professor?" ask the aggies.  "Well, I figured it out.  Y'all just need to buy a bigger truck!"

Another Two aggies just graduated.  "So what do we do to make money?" asks aggie one. "I got it!" says aggie two. "Lets grow chickens!" "All right! Good thinking!" says aggie one.  So the two aggies buy 1000 little chicks, plant them in the ground feet first, water them, and go to bed.  The next morning, all the little chicks are dead.  "What did we do wrong?" asks aggie one.  "I dont know..." says aggie two. "Lets call the ol' professor for advice!"  So the aggies call their old professor and tell them the problem.  "Well," says the professor, "Ill think about it and call you back in an hour." so the professor calls the aggies back in an hour with an answer.  "So, professor, what are we doing wrong?"  "Its really very simple" says the professor "You just need to plant the chicks head first!"

A police officer pulled over an aggie one day.  "You're in trouble, buddy." the cop said. "this is a one way street."  "What's the matter?" asked the aggie, "I was only going one way!"

Two aggies were reminiscing about the good ol' days.  "Did you have trouble in school when you were a kid?" asked number 1.  "Sure did" said number 2. "What were your 3 hardest years?" asked number 1.  "Seventh grade!" aggie two replied.

Two aggies are driving in a car when aggie 1 pulls over.  "I think there's something wrong with my left turn signal, could you check it out?" he asks. "sure" aggie 2 replies.  So aggie 2 goes around back to check it out. "Yeah, its working.... wait, no its not.  Yeah, its working.... wait, no its not. Yeah....."

An aggie gets pulled over by a cop for speeding one day.  "YOU WERE GOING 90!" yells the cop. "WHAT ON EARTH WERE YOU THINKING?!?!?"  "Well," says the aggie "my brakes are no good so I wanted to get there before I had an accident!"

Two aggies are driving on a very narrow mountain road.  Aggie one is turning so violently that aggie two says "Slow down! You're giving me a heart-attack on every curve!" "Just do what I do," says aggie one, "Close your eyes!"

Two aggies were coming back from the mall.  "Oh, no" says aggie one. "I think I lost my keys..." "IDIOT!" says aggie two.  "Next time be smart and lock them in the car!"

A week later, the same two aggies are coming back from the mall again.  "Darn.  I think I locked the keys in the car!" says aggie one.  "Just great." says aggie two. "And now my mom is in there.  How on earth are we going to get her out before she starves?"

A health inspector is checking an aggies restaurant one day.  "This place is filthy!  And you have way too many roaches!"  "Ok," says the aggie, "how many roaches are we allowed to have?"

Two aggies are looking for jobs in the paper.  "Look! Here's an ad for a waiter!" says number one. "No, I don't want it says aggie two.  It says you have to fill the salt shakers and its too hard to get the salt through those tiny holes!" 

Did you hear about the aggie who learned to count to 21?  He was arrested for indecent exposure.

How can you tell when an aggie has used the computer?  There's white out on the screen.

An aggie walked into the doctors office.  "I haven't seen you for a long time!" said the doctor. "That's because I've been sick!" said the aggie.

An aggie named Fred went to see the prime minister of Britain.  "Hello, Fred" said the prime minister..  "Would you join me in a cup of tea?" "I don't know," said Fred, "I don't think there would be enough room in there for both of us!"

A rich man hired an aggie as a chauffer.  One day he called the aggie to the garage.  "When I hired you, I expected you to wash the car!  This looks like it hasn't been washed in months!"  "Don't look at me," said the aggie.  "I've only had the job for a week!"

An aggie applied for a job as a night watchman.  "I think I'll do really good at this job." said the aggie.  "Why's that?" said the interviewer. "Well," said the aggie, "The slightest sound and I'm awake!"

Two aggies are sitting around one day.  "Hey, can you name the four seasons?" asks aggie one.  "Sure," said aggie two. "Salt, pepper, vinegar, and mustard!"

An aggie walks into a pizza place to pick up a pizza she ordered.  "Do you want your pizza cut into six or eight pieces?" asked the man behind the counter.  "Only six," said the aggie, "I don't think I can eat eight!" 

AGGIES ARE SO DUMB...

That a professor bought a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love peace and quiet"!

That a graduate stayed up all night studying for her blood test.

That they need a recipe to make ice cubes!

That they wont use rowing machines cuz they're afraid of water!

That a professor at college station couldn't tell you how many cans of soda come in a six-pack!

That a graduate wore her swimsuit to the pool hall!

That half of them think caramel corn is a vegetable!

That they need two hours to watch 60 minutes!

That their best professor stood in front of a mirror with his eyes closed to see what he looked like when he was asleep!

Did you hear that they outlawed "the wave" at Kyle Field?
Two poor Aggies drowned at a game last year.

Did you hear about the Aggie that drove his pickup into the lake?
His dog drowned while he tried to get the tailgate down.

Did you hear about the skeleton they just found in an old building at College Station?
It was the 1938 hide and seek champion.

Did you hear about the Aggie who was tap dancing?
He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

Why don't Aggies eat barbecue beans?
Because they keep falling through the holes in the grill.

Why don't Aggies use 911 in an emergency?
Because they can't find "eleven" on the phone dial.

How can you tell an Aggie is on location at a drilling rig?
He's the one throwing bread to the helicopters.

How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo?
Three. One to do the eating, and two to watch for cars.

Two Aggie builders were working on a house. One Aggie was on a ladder nailing. He'd reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over his shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood.

The other Aggie couldn't stand it any longer and yells up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"

The first Aggie explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!"

The second Aggie got real excited and called him all kinds of names, explaining, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!"

An Aggie decides to raise chickens. So, he goes to the feed store and buys some chicks. He takes the chicks home, and plants them with their heads sticking up. He waters them, but they die.

He goes back to the feed store and tells the proprietor that he bought defective chicks, and gets another set. This time he plants them with their heads sticking down. He waters them, but they die.

He then sends a letter to his Alma Mater, describing the problem. They send a letter back asking for a soil sample.

Ice is no longer available in the drinks at the cafeterias at A&M. The senior who knew the recipe graduated.

An Aggie happens across a professor who is staring intently into an aquarium. The Aggie, says, "Professor, what are you doing?"

The professor answers, "I'm attempting mental telepathy with this fish. You see, if my mind is stronger than theirs, I can control their thoughts. Umm, why don't you try it!"

The Aggie, certain of his ability to successfully control the fish, stares into the tank for a few seconds. Then, all of the sudden, his eyes start bugging and his mouth makes a little 'o' shape like he's pushing water through his gills.